rejected

So I'm 26 weeks pregnant...Not entirely sure if that's correct. I think that's what Babycenter emailed me on Sunday.

Anyways...

I'm not loving my dr at the moment. She's nice when she feels like I need some extra attention, but I absolutely judge her entire practice. That means her nurses are way lame and cold. Seriously...It's not that hard to smile at someone. I think it's because the practice is so large, so the patients are just ushered in and out of the facility. No time for love.

I had a c-section with the Bear. Not really my choice and I really regret it. But it doesn't really matter since he would've been born super sick anyways. My labor/delivery wasn't the cause of his illness. But after I gave birth (or was cut open), my dr told my husband not to let me go into labor naturally. That my uterine muscles were very thin and my labor would be difficult, which would probably result in another c-section.

I've kind of floated on with this information, but after a few years of reading the new advisement about c-section rates...I'm feeling the pressure to VBAC.

So now I'm pregnant.
And I come to find out that my previous dr didn't write her recommendations into my medical records.
So my current dr says I'm a good candidate for VBAC.
But my husband and family think I should get the repeat c-section.
And if you know me, I don't like doing what people tell me to do.

So I WANT to VBAC!!!

But...What if...What if I'm making a negligent decision about giving birth to my child? I have this information, but what if....What if I just make the wrong decision and make the whole thing traumatizing and everyone is like, "I told you so!"

I hate surgery. Hate hate hate it. I got a terrible infection with my last surgery and I'm scared to do an unnecessary one again. Plus my dr keeps kind of shrugging when I talk about VBAC and just says it's my choice. No one wants to talk to me about what I want or what might be my risks. It's all lumped into everybody elses risks and statistics.

Today, I took the first steps towards switching care. I'm trying to stay within our insurance's network and heard great things about a midwives group. But I tried to see if they'd take me if i needed to get a c-section. I understood that they couldn't do the surgery, but I figured they could do my prenatal and postnatal care. No biggie. And they have 2 medical drs on staff.

Turns out they will only accept me if I know for sure I'm going to VBAC.

ARGH!!! No one will talk to me unless I decide on my birth plan. Which is ridiculous. I need to talk to someone so I can make an informed decision.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. My husband (the dr) won't really tell me anything. He just says he remembers what my previous dr told him. And I get it...but these were also the drs that pushed my induction and such.

*twiddling my thumbs*

Having babiez

I'm about 22 weeks pregnant...with a boy....

I apparently forgot to mention this before in the um...6 posts of my blahg life.

I think I'm 22wks...It could be off by one.

Seriously, it's my second pregnancy and I'm barely keeping track of this one. I have the time to read stuff, but what's the point? Things don't usually go as expected. My last birth was a friggin scary ass carnival ride...So what's to prepare for? I'll let the first time mommas soak up the drama.

It has been rough. More pains, more nausea, more toilet ring around my head, but things have settled down for the most part. So as long as I'm not throwing up, I'm happy to just cruise along with this one and pretend to be surprised in January when he's pops out.

The Bear is pretty upset about not having a sister. I mention many times through the day about his brother coming, but sometimes he pulls this schtick, "WHAAAT? A BROTHER???" Typical 3 year old sarcasm.

And the Hubs is bragging to his friends about how out of touch he's been with this pregnancy...Dude, stop showing off to your friends that you don't even see anymore. He was never in touch with the first one. Doofus.

Anyways, enough attention...Hubs is on vacation this week and I need some vacation from his vacation. Having a hubby home when he's gone all the time is like adding another kid to mix. I can barely handle it. The whining...the hunger...the "What are we doing today?" questions over and over again.

I leave you with the Bear's bowling face...He means business.

Juicy gossip, i know...

Reenacting the movie UP

Listening: the 10pm news

Eating: not today, thx

Drinking: warm water with lemon juice

Wearing: old navy shirt with long tank and running shorts

Feeling: nauseous

Weather: delightfully mild

Wanting: relief for my throat and stomach

Needing: sleep

Thinking: book fairs are too much work for lil ol me

Enjoying: the quiet

Wondering: when the house will clean itself

Somber Catholic I Am

Seriously, I thought Vacation Bible School would be a nice little break of 4 days for $15. And about Jesus...whatevs. But the "closing ceremony" kinda freaked me out. It's a unitarian church and they were asking the kids to yell and jump about God and I kind of wanted to grab the Bear and bolt. This whole loudly and enthusiastically loving Jesus is beyond my comfort zone, but I know it's all good. I'm just used to be a boring Catholic.

But the worse part? A green monkey named Galileo in an astronaut suit. Seriously, this puppet can barely open its mouth and it's voice is gravelly. I was so embarassed watching it.

Wouldn't it make you uncomfortable? And the church paid for this schtick?

Today I ate...

Like a 16 yr old.

3 pickle spears

A piece of pizza

And chips with cheese dip

2 cherry coke zeros.

It's not even 12:30pm

And so it is...

I've had a best friend since the 2nd grade and it was always so great to consider someone my sister and for reals forever BFF. Until lately...
She's just gone. We've moved on. Life has taken her to California and me to everywhere else. We always tried to get together when we were back in our hometown, but things slowly started to fall apart. It seriously began with her husband. He was so possessive and drug induced. It enveloped her world and he hated me for whatever reason. Maybe because I'm prone to telling the truth. But once they became engaged, I decided to keep my mouth shut. I trusted that she was mature enough to decide if it was a good relationship and I was mature enough to celebrate with her.

Then they moved to California and I had my Bear. And things just snowballed. The weeks we'd go without calling or emailing got longer and longer. My abilities to get back to TX were fewer and fewer with the baby. I was able to make it out to CA and saw her for ONE afternoon. ONE out of five days. Again, I kept my mouth shut because what did I really know about her life at this point.

We were both in TX for one week during Christmas. I was incredibly flexible to see her. I knew her husband was trying to put it off. There was excuse after excuse. She finally met us for an appetizer at a restaurant and tried to give my son a newborn blanket and booties. He was seriously a year old. WTF? I cried and cried after that. She's always been so intuitive about us and for her to be so off the mark with newborn things...It just showed that we were completely out of touch. I didn't want to talk to her for a while. I was so upset.

We began emailing each other again in the summer and she casually mentioned that her husband was doing drugs again. What was I suppose to say? I told you so? I just didn't respond. I knew my instincts were to tell her to leave him, but I didn't feel it was right for me to butt in when I wasn't around much anymore. I felt guilty for not replying. So guilty.

A few months later I emailed her out of guilt just to see how she was doing and her reply was she and her husband were getting a divorce and her dog got run over. My guilt quadrupled. Here I was, her long time best friend, and I was so out of touch with her during this time. I should have been there. I kept calling and calling her, leaving her voicemail and emailing her. Finally I left one saying I understood she was upset and probably needed space. I offered to be a shoulder to cry on whenever she felt comfortable.

Then nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Then all of a sudden she was on facebook, life was good, she had tons of friends, and I was still missing... Now I see one who calls her a BFF and I want to cry like a 7yr old. I want my best friend back. I don't know what else I can do besides lament over everything. Maybe because I no longer have a best friend. Of course my husband is my best friend, but I don't have her anymore. I'm about to have another baby and I wish with all my might that she was close. I wish she could see my babies and love them like we always talked about when we were younger.

I realized today that I can't even call her my best friend anymore. She was once my best friend. She knows nothing about me and I know nothing about her. I use to be able to pick out clothes for her and I knew she'd love them. I mean, who can do that? I could!

Now I just feel like I'm in mourning. I wish I could fix this. Nothing might even be wrong, but it feels like everything is wrong to me. Like my future is all wrong. It should have been different. We should have come out of this best friends the entire time.

Maybe I should call her. I have a feeling I'll be back where I started and I won't be at peace thinking I did everything I could.

I almost forgot...

The Bear went to summer school this week. I've been lolling around in my pajamas for days because of my intense hatred of the hot weather outside. But I had to get "dressed up" for drop off and pick up on Tuesday and Thursday.

It seems the uniform for all the moms is super cute and classic or workout clothes. But your workout clothes can't be baggy or loose. Tight ALL OVER is the requirement!

It's exhausting. But at least my son looks uber cute at school without wearing smocked outfits. blech

Remembering

When the Bear was born and terribly sick, he was on a ventilator. His room was filled with giant machines just meant to support his 8lbs of life. It was so artificial, but so necessary.

His oxygen saturation was always so low. It was difficult to raise it, but it would usually fall back down by the end of the day.

This volunteer would come around to every NICU room to offer books for us to read. And I'd sit next to the Bear, press my face close to his incubator and read his stories.

His oxygen saturation would always go up, but it was always so difficult to read between my tears. It was hard to read these stories about birds, dogs or little kids when I was wondering IF he'd ever be able to experience the world. I'd sob between nursery rhymes all the time.

I really hope to volunteer at a NICU one day.

A Surprise Visit

So my dad called me yesterday asking what my plans were this weekend. I figured it was another awkward attempt at a normal conversation and I said we were only planning on the water park. He kind of moaned and said he was thinking of visiting this weekend. Uh...whatever. I really didn't think the plans would work out since he was calling on a Thursday afternoon and he wanted to fly in on a Friday. He's a bit cheap, so I assumed his last minute travel plans would be costly and he'd back out. I said he could try, and give me a call later with the plans.

Yeah...He's coming. I really should have listened to that voicemail before returning his phone call. I mean...It's been a LONG AZZ time since I've seen him. I've kept my distance for a number of reasons, but mostly because I am simply happier without him around. He's always picked on me and made me feel like my attempts at success were feeble. So I finally came up with the genius idea that if I ignored him, then I wouldn't have to talk to him, and I'd feel better.

Well, you can only go so long without contact with a parent. Especially if you have a kid.

So this weekend is going to be awkward. I kind of feel nauseous thinking about it. And my husband is already complaining for no good reason, which makes me stick up for my awkward dad considering all the In Law visits I get while Hubs is working. Seriously, Hubs should shut it. I rarely see my family. I always get a major dose of his mom, niece and brother(s). It would be super fantastic spectacular if he'd paint a stupid smile on his face and play nice for my sanity. Because my sanity will definitely be on edge come Monday.

I'm trying to clean and do laundry, but my attempts are lame since I almost don't care what my dad thinks anymore.

But you know what's going to be the absolute worst of the worst this weekend?

My dad has a major problem with chewing with his mouth open. He consciously chews with it closed in public, but it's all open and sloppy when it's at home. And he ALWAYS blows his nose and clears his throat. ALWAYS!!! It makes me cringe.

*shudder*

Thursday List

listening: The bickering of the third reunion episode of the Real Housewives of New York.

eating: The Bear's leftover mac and cheese from Buca de Bepo and kiwis.

drinking: ice water

wearing: purple shirt with printed skirt

feeling: Chubbikins.

weather: Crazy loud, windy storms.

wanting: More kiwi.

needing: A cuddle.

thinking: It's so ridiculous my dad decided to come and visit tomorrow. *sigh*

enjoying: Alone time after son is asleep and before husband comes homes.

wondering: Will we come out of this weekend unscathed?

I love...

I love that when I talk to the Bear on the phone he wants to share the joy of talking to his Mama with other around him. He has the sweetest tiniest voice EVA!!!

I have a secret...

It might be another month till I let it out. But I'm dying to shout it out loud.

Love 3.0

I love this guy. He goes to work 6-7 days a week for us. He sacrifices his brain and heart every day for this patients. He comes home and doesn't say a peep that the house is a crazy mess. He's so nice to me even though I've forgotten to buy him floss 3 days in a row.

This is love!

Things I love 2.0

I love how the Bear will take the time to sit down with me anywhere. I've been making slow progress on our veggie garden. I planted the teepees on one side and tomatoes on the other. Then we just sat between the mulch in the middle and talked about birds, getting dirty and school.

Such a darling little Bear.

I'd like...

I'd like a new blog name...This isn't cutting it yo.

Things I love...

I'm going to post one thing I love about the Bear that is unique to him every few days...Ths will get me posting more often.

I love that he "beeps" my car alarm with his plastic keys. It's funny to see him mimic arming the car alarm. Who does that? My Bear does that!

Gardening

I'm trying to get my veggie garden going and it is so hard to loosen up that dirt. Why didn't I do ths dring our rainy period? Oof.

I'm growing roma tomatoes, some kind of jelly hybrid tomatoes, watermelon, green beans and sweet peas from seed. I even caved and bought a Topsy Turvy only because it said it would grow herbs too. And if you know about our mojito consumption on the weekends, yo'd know this purchase is a must. But I guess I was confused about this Topsy Turvy. You have to buy the plants and soil for it. This should have been a given considering the size of the box, but I've lost a few million brain cells since bcoming a SAHM. I was going to return it after reading the reviews about the tomoatoe, but I think it might be useful in growing a ton of herbs. So it's a keeper!

And I have to big planters I need to fill up. Th Bear and I have been browsing different plants to make ou final decision. He likes some pretty fuzzy annuals and I think I'm gonna get some colorful mini elephant ears. I loooove color! It's a mood booster.

Everything in the back yard is growing and getting super bushy. I love it! Our roses are fnicky of course, but the lilies are blooming now. And our big weird bee attratants are about to bloom. They are the most interesting flowers.

I'm trying to figure out what to do with our big beds in the front. We have large shrubs, hostas and lillies in there. The previous owners used pine mulch for the rest of the beds, but the leaves and saplings from the fall and spring get mixed in and it turns into a huge mess. I'm already spending close to $50 on the mulch for the backyard. I don't want to spend another $50 on pine mulch. Blech. I'm trying to find a more permanent solution.

Thise homeownership is making me exhausted. Sometimes I miss renting, you know?

Storms Not Welcome

So I finally went into our crawl space yesterday. Our contractor/neighbor said to just leave our wet insulation there before we get our new insulation in. First of all, crawl spaces freak every one out, right? There's only about 3 feet to scoot around in a dark musty area where there are certainly bugs galore. Eh...Not so bad. It was dark for sure, but dry and pretty bugless except for a few corners. But out insulation? TOTALLY drenched and starting to mold. I guess we should've gone down sooner that 5pm yesterday. We only had time to pick up gloves and respirators to remove the insulation ourselves. We figure it's ok to have it removed for a little while. Especially since the ducts to the Bear's room and out bathroom are squished and not allowing air to go through.

Then J-cakes tells me this morning that his dad is on his way to pull out the insulation. He's still not here yet...I think he got caught in another storm system.

This is all a part of a series of failures here in TN...
I don't think we're meant to be.

Frankly...

I think all my former Katrina friends are jackasses for not checking on us during this flood. I've given a few days to think it over, and I can say that 3 checked on us. I had more than 3 friends...Seriously. What jackholes. We all suffered in various ways, and they HAVE to know how troubling this flood has to be for us. What jerkboxes...

I'm seriously about to seek counseling. I'm breaking out in hives from this hidden anxiety. I can't even listen to people talk about the flood. I cover my ears and hum like a child. And don't get me started on people justifying the flood with "God's mighty hand." Eff you! You justify crushing good people's hearts and drowning loved ones only because you didn't get hurt. I don't wish this on anyone. It's a horrible empty, aching feeling that takes FOREVER to go away. It's been nearly 5 years for me, and I still can't watch Katrina related stuff without sobbing or trembling.

What asshole friends.

It's SPRING, EVERYBODY!!!

One day we were at the Botanical Center and Spring creeped up on us...


And then Mommy's to do list got big and it included a school Easter egg hunt...Which would've been more successful if a certain bear wasn't flinging himself down the hill like a jelly-bean goon.

"Drat...Four eggs? Mom! I need more eggs!"

Then we couldn't even make it halfway inside the house before the Easter Bear demanded to see his treasures. He somehow managed to score the most Starburst I've ever seen.



Score! A candy bracelet!...I mean watch...

"NomNomNom"

Let's not forget to dye our Easter eggs. Mommy was brilliant enough to do it outside. Mommy was not brilliant enough to bring all the eggs inside on a blustery day. WTF, Mom? We've lost 2 eggs!

We're going to the zoo egg hunt tomorrow, which I was informed we'll be lucky to make it inside the parking lot...Doh. So we'll be leaving extra early. If we don't make it in, then we're gonna crash the Baptist church a few miles away for eggs and hot dogs. Well, we were invited by a woman at WalMart. She was nice, and I love...I mean, the Bear loves free hot dogs.

And if that doesn't work, his church/preschool is having an Easter egg hunt. Maybe we can make some friends whose invitations we'll politely decline when asked to join their church. I'm so stubbornly Catholic, even I'm getting sick of it.

Happy Easter!

TX bound and departed

So we went back to El Paso, TX for the Bear's spring break. And I just wasn't really into it. I'm sure it showed. I wanted to stay home with my husband, but he was going to work anyways. I thought a week in TX with family would be a welcome distraction, but all I saw were things I was happy to leave when I was a teenager. And it's sad. Going back home use to fill me with that yummy nostalgic feeling. But the whole city seems to be changing. It's been overtaken by just "stuff." Like media, violence, and suburbanite stores. It use to be kind of authentic in a way that the people loved chain stores, but held their community's businesses closer. Now it's just overtaken by brand names and advertising.

It's a turn off. I miss that homegrown quality. Which is a stretch to use, since nothing grows in West Texas...

My family never changes. My mom is such a great person. She doesn't even have to ask, and I don't even have to tell. Yes, my clothing is falling apart and the Bear needs summer outfits, and she's happy to help us out. She's amazing for putting up with our spending that week.

But that poor Bear...He had the nastiest virus ever. His whole upper lip turned raw from his constantly runny nose. He regressed with his speech to the point of grunting and motioning at what he wanted. He finally asked to go to the "Docty" and I couldn't refuse. Ah, those Mexican drs...They love them so antibiotics. He clearly had a virus, with a cough. But they gave him a Z-pak, and I just laughed. We love antibiotics in El Paso. People think they're the cure-all of any ailment. Ha.

Thankfully, the Bear felt good enough for some shenanigans with his beloved cousins. It's nice to see him hang out with them. They're silly just like him and they're prone to fits of giggles. They make me giggle like crazy too.

terrible news

Today, we received terrible news from a close friend. He's been a long time friend, supporter and even the Bear's godfather.

He sent out a text that he and his wife found out last week that their child had a fatal chromosomal disorder. And she went into labor today and they had their little one for a brief moment. They named the baby and asked for prayers and support.

I think so many things can rip your heart when it comes to kids. You see how wonderful and loving they can be. They're just pure love. And it was so exciting to see them celebrating this new little baby coming into their lives. I don't know how it could possibly feel for them to lose that hope and anticipation within a week.

It's so unfair for little lives to be lost. And as much as I believe in God, I've had bone to pick with him over things like this. When my son was severely sick and we thought he was going to die within his first week of birth, I mean...how could I see it all as a lesson in life? How could I see a child's suffering as some sort of sacrifice for us? How is that right and in any kind of plan? All the explanations seem so vague.

How can you possibly comfort such well-deserving people like them? What do you say? Validate their grief? Tell them it's going to be ok? Tell them God has her now? No, I just can't. I can't, God. And you can't punish us for loving our kids so much, that we get upset and heartbroken when they're taken from us.

Life should be better than this. Life should be celebratory. They are helpless, and it's not fair to hurt them like that. To take life before they can even live it.

But I suppose my husband could explain it all as science. When I look at my son, he doesn't look like a science project. He's much better than that.

I'm sorry they can't feel or experience what I've been able to with my son. I'm sorry nothing can make it go away except for time. Making an impossible decision makes them better than me. They're the strongest people I know. I hope their hearts find peace.

I have the best name ever...

Not me. But I got the best name idea off of the movie Robots. Yes, that $5 cartoon dvd that the Bear decided we should watch Right Meow and it's really not bad at all...

One of the girl robots says, "I'm Piper, like viper...sssss" (Like a snake ssss)

Ooh, I love it. How adorable for a little girl to say that, right? Oh yeah...I forget. I'm not a fan of the name Piper. It reminds me of a gangly pale child.... Names present pictures in my head and most of the time they are not attractive.

But if a "Piper" said she was like a viper, I would totally swoon. Then one day she'd tell me, "Mommy, I'm not like a snake! I'm a little girl!" Assuming she has the same defiance as my son.

Maybe Piper will grow on me and then maybe the snake will grow on her...There is one problem, I'm not pregnant, much less pregnant with a girl.

*POOF* goes my daydream.

Whole Foods Delight.

It's been so long since we've "dined" at Whole Foods. Really since I was pregnant. I was the freak who craved bean sprouts and spinach while I was pregnant. Oof.

But the Green Hills Whole Foods does kind of kick butt. They have homemade gelato. I mean, I looove gelato. We lived around the corner from a fantastic gelato place in Des Moines, so we were super excited. So I had a hot indian dinner with some strawberry champagne gelato. Delish.

And I forget that their pizza is $3 a slice. They're really like 2 slices. Delish.

So I think we'll be going back again and again. Whenever we can afford it.

Oy, my finances. I'm about to sell my car. I still don't understand how Xmas has kicked my ass into February.

Well, I tried...

I TRIED to go the Country Music Hall of Fame last week. Really, I tried. Actually, not that hard but it was on our schedule for the day. We were distracted by a late lunch, and then the impending Superbowl made us want super cool Saints shirts. So we went to the Opry Mills mall for some shirts, but they were so terrible. Like terrible last minute iron-ons that look slightly askew. Hmmm...No thanks.

We did go to the...Apple Barn (?) store. Aiden loves this book about bears going to an apple orchard and they have some apple donuts with their lunch. And one day, I looked at Hubby and said I would love some apple donuts. Reading about them for a year builds quite an appetite. But I've never seen them. Surely the exist, at the Apple Barn! Yes! So we ordered three and smelled delicious apple baked goodness. They had a cute gazebo to eat at and then....They didn't taste like apples. They tasted like regular glazed donuts. FAIL.

So we went somewhere new. Not to the usual Banana Republic (which took every ounce of my husband's energy to avoid), but we went to the Apple Barn.

Nice job, Team.

open arms

Sometimes I just want to open my arms wide and take care of everyone so they can just be happy. I think that's pretty normal. I'm so happy when the people I love are happy.

But now that I'm attemptimg to make one particular person happy by opening up my home to them...omigosh. Whoa? Did I just seriously offer my home to this person while they're gonna be pregnant? Geewillikers there...That's like a big thing to do...How are we gonna make this work?

But you know what? Like I told her, we're friends. This is what friends do for one another in hard times. I'd feel so crazy special if someone helped me out in this way. And we're just trying to help during this difficult period in her life. That's the best anyone can do. It's not going to be easy, but it's not impossible. There are worse situations out there for her, and we can't turn our back on someone in need.

But frankly, I'm a little astonished at our generosity. She'll only come if she gets a job in Nashville. And my mind starts racing... Wow. A baby in the house? Maybe. Maybe she'll leave soon afterwards and go home to her family? I'm not sure. I just hope she can find the best thing for herself and the baby. And we'll help her with the crazy ride.

A down side

I've been feeling a bit down lately. Not a bit, more like a lot. And I've got the classic signs of exhaustion, weepiness, and irritability. I yearn for hubs to come home, but then I get upset at everything when he is home. No one deserves that.

I struggle taking medicine. I have a hard time taking any medicine regularly, and I always feel the backlash. It sucks. I seriously yearn for the day that I can take a shot once a month like yo can do birth control now. But then I sometimes have a hard time with that.

Maybe it's me not wanting to accept that I won't always be normal. I will have to take medicine for the rest of my life, thus yielding control to pills. These tiny little pills govern my life. My life, my husbands life and my son's life.

I don't think that's very fair.

I've come to terms that these things are beyond my control. I understand that my body has some chemistry issues and things could be a lot worse. There's always a worse scenario. But I guess I haven't come to terms with my treatment.

Maybe I haven't come to terms with the results either.

And now my kid is yelling at Joe from Blue's Clues. At least those kind of things don't come in a pill form.

An Epiphany on the Epiphany

I need to sack this load of negativity about Nashville and woman up.

I'm decided to try to find one thing new in Nashville once a week and take a picture of it. Let it be a site, store, park, painting, car, farm or whatever. Something that someone has decided is a love or jewel to them in Nashville, and I must partake in this love to try to appreciate this city.

I think this is good. Good for us. I need to put in some more effort and I'd like to find a little more beauty in my life. I need it nowadays.

I must, I must

Somehow figure out how to make McDonald's chicken nuggets at home. Seriously. The store bought chicken nuggets blow. They taste TOTALLY different! Why don't people complain enough about this so we can bring on some CHANGE. YES, WE CAN!*

*This is me under complete duress of post-holiday "I'm just gonna forget all about our to do list until after Jan 1", potty-training a 3 yr old, battling moles in my front yard and the open wound that shall not CLOSE! And the cheesecake I had the other day to solve these problems didn't work. That cheesecake needs some fine print.

My New Year's Resolution

To quench this baby fever. Seriously. It's baaaad.