And so it is...

I've had a best friend since the 2nd grade and it was always so great to consider someone my sister and for reals forever BFF. Until lately...
She's just gone. We've moved on. Life has taken her to California and me to everywhere else. We always tried to get together when we were back in our hometown, but things slowly started to fall apart. It seriously began with her husband. He was so possessive and drug induced. It enveloped her world and he hated me for whatever reason. Maybe because I'm prone to telling the truth. But once they became engaged, I decided to keep my mouth shut. I trusted that she was mature enough to decide if it was a good relationship and I was mature enough to celebrate with her.

Then they moved to California and I had my Bear. And things just snowballed. The weeks we'd go without calling or emailing got longer and longer. My abilities to get back to TX were fewer and fewer with the baby. I was able to make it out to CA and saw her for ONE afternoon. ONE out of five days. Again, I kept my mouth shut because what did I really know about her life at this point.

We were both in TX for one week during Christmas. I was incredibly flexible to see her. I knew her husband was trying to put it off. There was excuse after excuse. She finally met us for an appetizer at a restaurant and tried to give my son a newborn blanket and booties. He was seriously a year old. WTF? I cried and cried after that. She's always been so intuitive about us and for her to be so off the mark with newborn things...It just showed that we were completely out of touch. I didn't want to talk to her for a while. I was so upset.

We began emailing each other again in the summer and she casually mentioned that her husband was doing drugs again. What was I suppose to say? I told you so? I just didn't respond. I knew my instincts were to tell her to leave him, but I didn't feel it was right for me to butt in when I wasn't around much anymore. I felt guilty for not replying. So guilty.

A few months later I emailed her out of guilt just to see how she was doing and her reply was she and her husband were getting a divorce and her dog got run over. My guilt quadrupled. Here I was, her long time best friend, and I was so out of touch with her during this time. I should have been there. I kept calling and calling her, leaving her voicemail and emailing her. Finally I left one saying I understood she was upset and probably needed space. I offered to be a shoulder to cry on whenever she felt comfortable.

Then nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Then all of a sudden she was on facebook, life was good, she had tons of friends, and I was still missing... Now I see one who calls her a BFF and I want to cry like a 7yr old. I want my best friend back. I don't know what else I can do besides lament over everything. Maybe because I no longer have a best friend. Of course my husband is my best friend, but I don't have her anymore. I'm about to have another baby and I wish with all my might that she was close. I wish she could see my babies and love them like we always talked about when we were younger.

I realized today that I can't even call her my best friend anymore. She was once my best friend. She knows nothing about me and I know nothing about her. I use to be able to pick out clothes for her and I knew she'd love them. I mean, who can do that? I could!

Now I just feel like I'm in mourning. I wish I could fix this. Nothing might even be wrong, but it feels like everything is wrong to me. Like my future is all wrong. It should have been different. We should have come out of this best friends the entire time.

Maybe I should call her. I have a feeling I'll be back where I started and I won't be at peace thinking I did everything I could.