I had a baby, it's a boy.

William Manuel.

1-30-2011

7lbs 11oz

20in long

He's a doll.

rejected

So I'm 26 weeks pregnant...Not entirely sure if that's correct. I think that's what Babycenter emailed me on Sunday.

Anyways...

I'm not loving my dr at the moment. She's nice when she feels like I need some extra attention, but I absolutely judge her entire practice. That means her nurses are way lame and cold. Seriously...It's not that hard to smile at someone. I think it's because the practice is so large, so the patients are just ushered in and out of the facility. No time for love.

I had a c-section with the Bear. Not really my choice and I really regret it. But it doesn't really matter since he would've been born super sick anyways. My labor/delivery wasn't the cause of his illness. But after I gave birth (or was cut open), my dr told my husband not to let me go into labor naturally. That my uterine muscles were very thin and my labor would be difficult, which would probably result in another c-section.

I've kind of floated on with this information, but after a few years of reading the new advisement about c-section rates...I'm feeling the pressure to VBAC.

So now I'm pregnant.
And I come to find out that my previous dr didn't write her recommendations into my medical records.
So my current dr says I'm a good candidate for VBAC.
But my husband and family think I should get the repeat c-section.
And if you know me, I don't like doing what people tell me to do.

So I WANT to VBAC!!!

But...What if...What if I'm making a negligent decision about giving birth to my child? I have this information, but what if....What if I just make the wrong decision and make the whole thing traumatizing and everyone is like, "I told you so!"

I hate surgery. Hate hate hate it. I got a terrible infection with my last surgery and I'm scared to do an unnecessary one again. Plus my dr keeps kind of shrugging when I talk about VBAC and just says it's my choice. No one wants to talk to me about what I want or what might be my risks. It's all lumped into everybody elses risks and statistics.

Today, I took the first steps towards switching care. I'm trying to stay within our insurance's network and heard great things about a midwives group. But I tried to see if they'd take me if i needed to get a c-section. I understood that they couldn't do the surgery, but I figured they could do my prenatal and postnatal care. No biggie. And they have 2 medical drs on staff.

Turns out they will only accept me if I know for sure I'm going to VBAC.

ARGH!!! No one will talk to me unless I decide on my birth plan. Which is ridiculous. I need to talk to someone so I can make an informed decision.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. My husband (the dr) won't really tell me anything. He just says he remembers what my previous dr told him. And I get it...but these were also the drs that pushed my induction and such.

*twiddling my thumbs*

Having babiez

I'm about 22 weeks pregnant...with a boy....

I apparently forgot to mention this before in the um...6 posts of my blahg life.

I think I'm 22wks...It could be off by one.

Seriously, it's my second pregnancy and I'm barely keeping track of this one. I have the time to read stuff, but what's the point? Things don't usually go as expected. My last birth was a friggin scary ass carnival ride...So what's to prepare for? I'll let the first time mommas soak up the drama.

It has been rough. More pains, more nausea, more toilet ring around my head, but things have settled down for the most part. So as long as I'm not throwing up, I'm happy to just cruise along with this one and pretend to be surprised in January when he's pops out.

The Bear is pretty upset about not having a sister. I mention many times through the day about his brother coming, but sometimes he pulls this schtick, "WHAAAT? A BROTHER???" Typical 3 year old sarcasm.

And the Hubs is bragging to his friends about how out of touch he's been with this pregnancy...Dude, stop showing off to your friends that you don't even see anymore. He was never in touch with the first one. Doofus.

Anyways, enough attention...Hubs is on vacation this week and I need some vacation from his vacation. Having a hubby home when he's gone all the time is like adding another kid to mix. I can barely handle it. The whining...the hunger...the "What are we doing today?" questions over and over again.

I leave you with the Bear's bowling face...He means business.

Juicy gossip, i know...

Reenacting the movie UP

Listening: the 10pm news

Eating: not today, thx

Drinking: warm water with lemon juice

Wearing: old navy shirt with long tank and running shorts

Feeling: nauseous

Weather: delightfully mild

Wanting: relief for my throat and stomach

Needing: sleep

Thinking: book fairs are too much work for lil ol me

Enjoying: the quiet

Wondering: when the house will clean itself

Somber Catholic I Am

Seriously, I thought Vacation Bible School would be a nice little break of 4 days for $15. And about Jesus...whatevs. But the "closing ceremony" kinda freaked me out. It's a unitarian church and they were asking the kids to yell and jump about God and I kind of wanted to grab the Bear and bolt. This whole loudly and enthusiastically loving Jesus is beyond my comfort zone, but I know it's all good. I'm just used to be a boring Catholic.

But the worse part? A green monkey named Galileo in an astronaut suit. Seriously, this puppet can barely open its mouth and it's voice is gravelly. I was so embarassed watching it.

Wouldn't it make you uncomfortable? And the church paid for this schtick?

Today I ate...

Like a 16 yr old.

3 pickle spears

A piece of pizza

And chips with cheese dip

2 cherry coke zeros.

It's not even 12:30pm

And so it is...

I've had a best friend since the 2nd grade and it was always so great to consider someone my sister and for reals forever BFF. Until lately...
She's just gone. We've moved on. Life has taken her to California and me to everywhere else. We always tried to get together when we were back in our hometown, but things slowly started to fall apart. It seriously began with her husband. He was so possessive and drug induced. It enveloped her world and he hated me for whatever reason. Maybe because I'm prone to telling the truth. But once they became engaged, I decided to keep my mouth shut. I trusted that she was mature enough to decide if it was a good relationship and I was mature enough to celebrate with her.

Then they moved to California and I had my Bear. And things just snowballed. The weeks we'd go without calling or emailing got longer and longer. My abilities to get back to TX were fewer and fewer with the baby. I was able to make it out to CA and saw her for ONE afternoon. ONE out of five days. Again, I kept my mouth shut because what did I really know about her life at this point.

We were both in TX for one week during Christmas. I was incredibly flexible to see her. I knew her husband was trying to put it off. There was excuse after excuse. She finally met us for an appetizer at a restaurant and tried to give my son a newborn blanket and booties. He was seriously a year old. WTF? I cried and cried after that. She's always been so intuitive about us and for her to be so off the mark with newborn things...It just showed that we were completely out of touch. I didn't want to talk to her for a while. I was so upset.

We began emailing each other again in the summer and she casually mentioned that her husband was doing drugs again. What was I suppose to say? I told you so? I just didn't respond. I knew my instincts were to tell her to leave him, but I didn't feel it was right for me to butt in when I wasn't around much anymore. I felt guilty for not replying. So guilty.

A few months later I emailed her out of guilt just to see how she was doing and her reply was she and her husband were getting a divorce and her dog got run over. My guilt quadrupled. Here I was, her long time best friend, and I was so out of touch with her during this time. I should have been there. I kept calling and calling her, leaving her voicemail and emailing her. Finally I left one saying I understood she was upset and probably needed space. I offered to be a shoulder to cry on whenever she felt comfortable.

Then nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Then all of a sudden she was on facebook, life was good, she had tons of friends, and I was still missing... Now I see one who calls her a BFF and I want to cry like a 7yr old. I want my best friend back. I don't know what else I can do besides lament over everything. Maybe because I no longer have a best friend. Of course my husband is my best friend, but I don't have her anymore. I'm about to have another baby and I wish with all my might that she was close. I wish she could see my babies and love them like we always talked about when we were younger.

I realized today that I can't even call her my best friend anymore. She was once my best friend. She knows nothing about me and I know nothing about her. I use to be able to pick out clothes for her and I knew she'd love them. I mean, who can do that? I could!

Now I just feel like I'm in mourning. I wish I could fix this. Nothing might even be wrong, but it feels like everything is wrong to me. Like my future is all wrong. It should have been different. We should have come out of this best friends the entire time.

Maybe I should call her. I have a feeling I'll be back where I started and I won't be at peace thinking I did everything I could.