rejected

So I'm 26 weeks pregnant...Not entirely sure if that's correct. I think that's what Babycenter emailed me on Sunday.

Anyways...

I'm not loving my dr at the moment. She's nice when she feels like I need some extra attention, but I absolutely judge her entire practice. That means her nurses are way lame and cold. Seriously...It's not that hard to smile at someone. I think it's because the practice is so large, so the patients are just ushered in and out of the facility. No time for love.

I had a c-section with the Bear. Not really my choice and I really regret it. But it doesn't really matter since he would've been born super sick anyways. My labor/delivery wasn't the cause of his illness. But after I gave birth (or was cut open), my dr told my husband not to let me go into labor naturally. That my uterine muscles were very thin and my labor would be difficult, which would probably result in another c-section.

I've kind of floated on with this information, but after a few years of reading the new advisement about c-section rates...I'm feeling the pressure to VBAC.

So now I'm pregnant.
And I come to find out that my previous dr didn't write her recommendations into my medical records.
So my current dr says I'm a good candidate for VBAC.
But my husband and family think I should get the repeat c-section.
And if you know me, I don't like doing what people tell me to do.

So I WANT to VBAC!!!

But...What if...What if I'm making a negligent decision about giving birth to my child? I have this information, but what if....What if I just make the wrong decision and make the whole thing traumatizing and everyone is like, "I told you so!"

I hate surgery. Hate hate hate it. I got a terrible infection with my last surgery and I'm scared to do an unnecessary one again. Plus my dr keeps kind of shrugging when I talk about VBAC and just says it's my choice. No one wants to talk to me about what I want or what might be my risks. It's all lumped into everybody elses risks and statistics.

Today, I took the first steps towards switching care. I'm trying to stay within our insurance's network and heard great things about a midwives group. But I tried to see if they'd take me if i needed to get a c-section. I understood that they couldn't do the surgery, but I figured they could do my prenatal and postnatal care. No biggie. And they have 2 medical drs on staff.

Turns out they will only accept me if I know for sure I'm going to VBAC.

ARGH!!! No one will talk to me unless I decide on my birth plan. Which is ridiculous. I need to talk to someone so I can make an informed decision.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. My husband (the dr) won't really tell me anything. He just says he remembers what my previous dr told him. And I get it...but these were also the drs that pushed my induction and such.

*twiddling my thumbs*