Somber Catholic I Am

Seriously, I thought Vacation Bible School would be a nice little break of 4 days for $15. And about Jesus...whatevs. But the "closing ceremony" kinda freaked me out. It's a unitarian church and they were asking the kids to yell and jump about God and I kind of wanted to grab the Bear and bolt. This whole loudly and enthusiastically loving Jesus is beyond my comfort zone, but I know it's all good. I'm just used to be a boring Catholic.

But the worse part? A green monkey named Galileo in an astronaut suit. Seriously, this puppet can barely open its mouth and it's voice is gravelly. I was so embarassed watching it.

Wouldn't it make you uncomfortable? And the church paid for this schtick?

Today I ate...

Like a 16 yr old.

3 pickle spears

A piece of pizza

And chips with cheese dip

2 cherry coke zeros.

It's not even 12:30pm

And so it is...

I've had a best friend since the 2nd grade and it was always so great to consider someone my sister and for reals forever BFF. Until lately...
She's just gone. We've moved on. Life has taken her to California and me to everywhere else. We always tried to get together when we were back in our hometown, but things slowly started to fall apart. It seriously began with her husband. He was so possessive and drug induced. It enveloped her world and he hated me for whatever reason. Maybe because I'm prone to telling the truth. But once they became engaged, I decided to keep my mouth shut. I trusted that she was mature enough to decide if it was a good relationship and I was mature enough to celebrate with her.

Then they moved to California and I had my Bear. And things just snowballed. The weeks we'd go without calling or emailing got longer and longer. My abilities to get back to TX were fewer and fewer with the baby. I was able to make it out to CA and saw her for ONE afternoon. ONE out of five days. Again, I kept my mouth shut because what did I really know about her life at this point.

We were both in TX for one week during Christmas. I was incredibly flexible to see her. I knew her husband was trying to put it off. There was excuse after excuse. She finally met us for an appetizer at a restaurant and tried to give my son a newborn blanket and booties. He was seriously a year old. WTF? I cried and cried after that. She's always been so intuitive about us and for her to be so off the mark with newborn things...It just showed that we were completely out of touch. I didn't want to talk to her for a while. I was so upset.

We began emailing each other again in the summer and she casually mentioned that her husband was doing drugs again. What was I suppose to say? I told you so? I just didn't respond. I knew my instincts were to tell her to leave him, but I didn't feel it was right for me to butt in when I wasn't around much anymore. I felt guilty for not replying. So guilty.

A few months later I emailed her out of guilt just to see how she was doing and her reply was she and her husband were getting a divorce and her dog got run over. My guilt quadrupled. Here I was, her long time best friend, and I was so out of touch with her during this time. I should have been there. I kept calling and calling her, leaving her voicemail and emailing her. Finally I left one saying I understood she was upset and probably needed space. I offered to be a shoulder to cry on whenever she felt comfortable.

Then nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Then all of a sudden she was on facebook, life was good, she had tons of friends, and I was still missing... Now I see one who calls her a BFF and I want to cry like a 7yr old. I want my best friend back. I don't know what else I can do besides lament over everything. Maybe because I no longer have a best friend. Of course my husband is my best friend, but I don't have her anymore. I'm about to have another baby and I wish with all my might that she was close. I wish she could see my babies and love them like we always talked about when we were younger.

I realized today that I can't even call her my best friend anymore. She was once my best friend. She knows nothing about me and I know nothing about her. I use to be able to pick out clothes for her and I knew she'd love them. I mean, who can do that? I could!

Now I just feel like I'm in mourning. I wish I could fix this. Nothing might even be wrong, but it feels like everything is wrong to me. Like my future is all wrong. It should have been different. We should have come out of this best friends the entire time.

Maybe I should call her. I have a feeling I'll be back where I started and I won't be at peace thinking I did everything I could.

I almost forgot...

The Bear went to summer school this week. I've been lolling around in my pajamas for days because of my intense hatred of the hot weather outside. But I had to get "dressed up" for drop off and pick up on Tuesday and Thursday.

It seems the uniform for all the moms is super cute and classic or workout clothes. But your workout clothes can't be baggy or loose. Tight ALL OVER is the requirement!

It's exhausting. But at least my son looks uber cute at school without wearing smocked outfits. blech

Remembering

When the Bear was born and terribly sick, he was on a ventilator. His room was filled with giant machines just meant to support his 8lbs of life. It was so artificial, but so necessary.

His oxygen saturation was always so low. It was difficult to raise it, but it would usually fall back down by the end of the day.

This volunteer would come around to every NICU room to offer books for us to read. And I'd sit next to the Bear, press my face close to his incubator and read his stories.

His oxygen saturation would always go up, but it was always so difficult to read between my tears. It was hard to read these stories about birds, dogs or little kids when I was wondering IF he'd ever be able to experience the world. I'd sob between nursery rhymes all the time.

I really hope to volunteer at a NICU one day.

A Surprise Visit

So my dad called me yesterday asking what my plans were this weekend. I figured it was another awkward attempt at a normal conversation and I said we were only planning on the water park. He kind of moaned and said he was thinking of visiting this weekend. Uh...whatever. I really didn't think the plans would work out since he was calling on a Thursday afternoon and he wanted to fly in on a Friday. He's a bit cheap, so I assumed his last minute travel plans would be costly and he'd back out. I said he could try, and give me a call later with the plans.

Yeah...He's coming. I really should have listened to that voicemail before returning his phone call. I mean...It's been a LONG AZZ time since I've seen him. I've kept my distance for a number of reasons, but mostly because I am simply happier without him around. He's always picked on me and made me feel like my attempts at success were feeble. So I finally came up with the genius idea that if I ignored him, then I wouldn't have to talk to him, and I'd feel better.

Well, you can only go so long without contact with a parent. Especially if you have a kid.

So this weekend is going to be awkward. I kind of feel nauseous thinking about it. And my husband is already complaining for no good reason, which makes me stick up for my awkward dad considering all the In Law visits I get while Hubs is working. Seriously, Hubs should shut it. I rarely see my family. I always get a major dose of his mom, niece and brother(s). It would be super fantastic spectacular if he'd paint a stupid smile on his face and play nice for my sanity. Because my sanity will definitely be on edge come Monday.

I'm trying to clean and do laundry, but my attempts are lame since I almost don't care what my dad thinks anymore.

But you know what's going to be the absolute worst of the worst this weekend?

My dad has a major problem with chewing with his mouth open. He consciously chews with it closed in public, but it's all open and sloppy when it's at home. And he ALWAYS blows his nose and clears his throat. ALWAYS!!! It makes me cringe.

*shudder*

Thursday List

listening: The bickering of the third reunion episode of the Real Housewives of New York.

eating: The Bear's leftover mac and cheese from Buca de Bepo and kiwis.

drinking: ice water

wearing: purple shirt with printed skirt

feeling: Chubbikins.

weather: Crazy loud, windy storms.

wanting: More kiwi.

needing: A cuddle.

thinking: It's so ridiculous my dad decided to come and visit tomorrow. *sigh*

enjoying: Alone time after son is asleep and before husband comes homes.

wondering: Will we come out of this weekend unscathed?